Lowd of the Wingth Scene 4

[The_Reaper`]

It's been a while but hey. I'll give you Scene 4 and 5 to make up for it (I can't remember if I've put these up all ready, I looked but It doesn't seem that I have)

Scene 4
<Writers note: They actually missed this next part out in the film, but in the original Lowd of the Wingth by Hitler, it was in there. It had such comedy potenti... was such a good read that we decided to leave it in>

<The hobbits are now in Murkwood. Cue lots of rustling and spooky fog>

Frodo: <To Sam> Where?s Merry and Pippin? Have you eaten them fatty?

Sam: I haven?t been eating no Merrys or Pippins. They must be back there somewhere

<Sam and Frodo backtrack and eventually find Merry and Pippin>

Frodo: What have you two been doing?

Pippin: We were just hanging around back here so that the trees have time to get into position ah <Merry nudges him> ah, we got lost

Frodo: OK, let's get going

<They trek ahead and find the way blocked by some trees>

Frodo: wtf?

<He is suddenly grabbed from behind by a big old tree. The tree rips him to shreds and crushes Merry, Pippin and Sam>

Sam: Mr. Frodo!!!

<Sam jumps into the fray but suddenly the tree is stopped by a voice singing>

Voice: <singing> Oh you silly little tree, you shouldn't do that see, cos I will kill you, so shut up foo?!

<The tree drops Frodo and moves back into position>

Frodo: Thanks! I'm Frodo, this is Sam, Merry and Pippin

Person: <In rhyming couplets> Pleased to meet you, this is what I'm going to do, My name is Tom Bomba-bloody-dill, and you will want to kill me on the hill.

Frodo: Oh, hello Tom Bomba-bloody-dill

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: I will trek back to my house, you can follow me like a mouse

Frodo: What?

< Tom Bomba-bloody-dill treks upto his house. Frodo and company follows him up there. A woman appears at the house. The hobbits notice she is attractive, she leads them into the kitchen>

A woman: Come dear folk! Laugh and be merry! I am Goldberry, daughter of the River. Let us shut out the night! For you are still afraid perhaps, of mist and tree-shadows and deep water, and untame things. Fear nothing! For tonight you are under the roof of Tom Bomba-bloody-dill!

< The hobbits stare blankly at Goldberry for a full twenty five minutes. She looks uncomfortable but still they continue to stare at her in utter disbelief.>

Frodo: Look, lady...

Goldberry: Please, call me Goldberry

Sam: Please call me!

<He nudges Frodo in the ribs as if to say "hey, good one eh?" Frodo looks at Sam as if to say, "look, I'm trying to talk to this lady so we can find out who this Tom Bomba-bloody-dill man is, and you're not helping... honestly Sam, you're not only the fattest, but also the most irritating fat hobbit I've ever met.">

Frodo: Listen to me, I am pretty p[leased] off at the moment. Who the hell is this Tom Bomba-bloddy-dill anyway?

Goldberry: He is...

<Everyone stares at her expectantly. After a moment she starts stirring some tea>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: Ah greetings my fellow friends... sit at the table's ends, and we shall have a toast, and some of my wife's chicken roast!

Goldberry: I haven't made chicken ro-

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill <quitely, deadly serious>: Then get into the kitchen and make some, you useless whore.

<She darts out of the room terrified. The hobbits stare at Tom expectantly>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill <trying to sound cheerful>: Err... and make sure there's plenty more! Anyway, my little chums, stay here a while, and rest your... thumbs? <He looks nervously at the hobbits. They nod for him to continue.>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: I'll find you somewhere to sleep, and you can stay there for... ten weeks!

Frodo: Errr, no thanks Tom Bomba-bloody-dill. We really have to embark on a top secret mission to destroy this ring.

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: Don't worry about me! Enjoy my hospitality!

Pippin: No, we really have to-

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill <angrily>: Enjoy my hospitality!

<The hobbits sit down nervously. Moments later, Goldberry walks in carrying roast dinner>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: You took your time my lovely wife? What took you so long... of... your life?

Goldberry <nervously>: Erm, I had to cook the spuds after the chicken bec-

<Tom runs over and smacks her round the head so she drops the dishes onto the floor. She falls to her knees and cries. The hobbits are horrified>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: You'll sleep in the basement, you four small people. Now get down there... before... other people... do...

<Two days later, the hobbits are still in the basement. Sam has already grown a full beard, and they are all immensly skinny, apart from Sam, who remains as fat as he has always been>

Sam: My old gaffer once said, "You're a fat twt Samwise."

Frodo: You've told us that twenty times today Sam, and it has nothing to do with anything. Can't we get out of here somehow?

Pippin: No Mr Frodo. My father used to lock me in the basement for weeks at a time. At first I thought I could escape... but that just became a dream, an illusion that I held to keep myself sane. But the bitter truth was... I would be sleeping in my own faeces for a while...

<Silence for a minute>

Merry: Dude... I mean, what the f[lying dutchman] did you say that for!?

Pippin: I just...

<They hear singing, and quickly pretend to be asleep>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill <unlocking the basement>: How are my guests today? Sleeping well I hope you be <He manages to twist the word "be" so that it rhymes with "day">

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill <coming down the stairs>: Don't try and struggle again! I don't want to have to break your... brains.

Frodo: Now's our chance!

<They try to run as Tom approaches, but Tom grabs all four of their ankles as they head up the stairs>

Tom Bomba-bloody-dill: No, get down here! GET DOWN HERE NOW! <He drags them down the stairs, until they lie half-unconscious on the floor> There's no need for you to go "ow!" Just obey my every command. And I won't have to throw some sand! In your eyes!

<Occasionally, over the next couple of weeks, they try to escape. They try to dig a tunnel out but to no avail. Slowly they begin to face the cruel fact that they are going to die in Tom Bomba-bloody-dill's basement. When Pippin urinates himself no one laughs, because they know they'll all be urinating themselves. Urinating themselves for a long time...>

<A few days later. Outside, back on the journey to the Prancing penis>

Sam: So, how did we get out of Tom Bomba-bloody-dill's basement again?

Frodo: Stop asking that question, I've already reminded you a billion times. But now... we have a mission to complete

Scene 5
<Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin arrive at the gate of Camembert. Frodo knocks and an old man answers>

Old Man: Whaddya want? Hobbits! Four hobbits! What are you doing here at this time of the night?

Frodo: We wish to stay at the Prancing Penis. Our business is our own

Old Man: Alright young sir, I meant no offence

Frodo: Who are you calling young!? I?m probably older than you! In fact? <Editor's note. As many of you who could have been bothered to read the book, Hobbits age differently to humans and look younger when they are actually older. Frodo was actually 55 or around that age in the book so he's got a get up and go lifestyle! Low cholesterol y'see. This editor's note was brought to you by Flora Pro-activeTM. Back to the scene...> so next time you try that on, think of all this important and hilarious information I have just given you. You will remember it for the rest of your life, if you use it correctly, you can live forever. Literally. Remember all you need to do is... <Yeah, so... um, how was your day? Good to hear! What? Oh, the Scene, riiight...> so just do that, and you will live forever. I can also tell you the meaning of life. Oh yes, everyone says it's something stupid like 42 or live life but it really is... <Tea, Coffee? Sorry>It really is that simple. Well, toodle-pip.

<The old man looks at them as they walk off. He has a look of enlightenment on his face. He returns to his shack>

<The Hobbits walk into town. It is a very clean and tidy place. Everybody stops what they are doing to say hello to them and to wish them a good day. They then see the prancing penis, a grimy, bloated building which is obviously the worst building in the town by far. They walk through the door and are greeted by filthy whores and lots of sex, and that's just the rats! Inside, there are no prostitutes, only forlorn looking men drinking. The hobbits approach the bar>

Frodo: Excuse me? <nothing happens> Excuse me! <Still nothing happens> OI! T*T FACE

<Everything stops. Everyone stops, walks over to the hobbits and rip them limb from limb>

<The barman looks over the bar>

Barman: Good evening little masters! We have lots of hobbit-sized prostitutes!

Frodo: I don't see any of them...

Barman: I? sh*t! They've done a runner again.

<He goes round the back .We hear muttering, and a huge explosion, a cow, some sheep and then a door slamming. The barman returns>

Barman: Sorry about that, what can I do for you Mr?

<Cut back to previous scene?>

Gandalf: Wemember, uthe a diffewent name to Bagginth, that name ith not thafe outthide the Thire. Twy to uthe one that wont dwaw attenthion to yourthelf?

<Back to the bar>

Frodo: Cruise. Tom Cruise <The Barman gets up and yells that Tom Cruise is here. Everybody rushes up and gets Frodo's autograph, and then leaves, staring at him> We are looking for Gandalf, Gandalf the grey, could you tell him we've arrived?

Barman: Gandalf? Ganda? oh yes, Gandalf the Gay. Tall fellow, big beard, pointy hat, rapes anything that doesn't move <Frodo nods> Not seen him in six months.

<The hobbits go over to a table and sit down. Merry gets up and goes to the bar>

Sam: So what are we gonna do now then?

Frodo: Shut up Sam, let the people with brain cells instead of fat cells think

<Merry returns to the table with 3 small glasses and a tiny one for himself>

Pippin: <Pointing to Merry?s shot glass> What's that?

Merry: This, my friend, Is a shot

Pippin: It comes in shots? <Merry nods> I'm getting one!

Sam: But you've had 23 gallons already!

<Pippin leaves the table>

Sam: <Pointing to a guy in the corner> That man over there has done nothing but stare at us with his hands down his trousers ever since we arrived!

<The man is shrouded in a hood and is smoking a pipe. An insect crawls onto the table, which he smashes with his fist. We can hear him muttering something like 'Spies'>

Frodo: <Grabbing the barman's attention by smashing him in the head with a pan> Excuse me, who is that <Pointing to said man in corner>

Barman: Oh him. They call him Strider. He's one of them Ranger folk. Dangerous they are

<Frodo goes all weird because Sam put Rohypnol in his drink. He is fingering the ring when we hear?>

Pippin: Course I know a Baggins! He's over there. Frodo Baggins

Frodo: <Running up to Pippin> Pippin, no! I'm...

<Before he can finish, he slip and falls over. The ring springs out of his palm and coincidentally falls onto his finger. Everyone stops what they are doing and stare at Frodo. Cut to a clown car with 9 riders searching through the undergrowth. Their heads all whip round and they all get into the very small clown car and drive off with bubbles coming out of the exhaust. Meanwhile back at the Prancing Penis, Frodo walks towards the back of the room. Everyone's eyes are on him until he takes off the ring. They then all go back to drinking. Frodo breathes a sigh of relief until the Ranger called Strider takes him upstairs into a room and slams him against the wall>

Frodo: What do you want!?

Strider: Only a little more caution on your part. That is no ordinary trinket you carry

Frodo: I carry nothing

Strider: I can make myself seen, to appear visible entirely, now that is a rare gift

<At this point Sam, Merry and Pippin burst into the room. Sam is holding a video camera, Merry is holding bondage gear and Pippin is holding a whip. Strider spins around, drawing his sword>

Sam: Go on mate! Rape his *ss. We'll video it!

<Strider puts his sword away and zips up his trousers>

Strider: You have a stout penis little one, but that will not save you.

<Nighttime. The gates of Camembert near the hut of the old man. From inside, we hear fwapping sounds and grunts. We then hear a horn outside the gates. The old man starts to mumble and emerges from the hut with his underwear on his head and pencils stuck up his nose>

Old Man: I'm trying to live forever here! Who is i?

<Before he has a chance to finish, the gate is broken down by the small clown car with bubbles emerging from its exhaust. It drives up to the Prancing penis and stops. All 9 clowns emerge, dumping buckets of stuff over each other and peddling their unicycles. They are in the room where the hobbits are sleeping. They each have a bucket of gunge. They dump them over the sleeping hobbits. The hobbits all explode, the riders escape with the ring and take it to Sauron. Across the street, the hobbits wake up as the riders scream in frustration>

Sam: What are they?

Strider: They were men once. Corrupted by the powerful influence of rings. They are neither alive nor dead. We must get out of this town as soon as possible and get to Rivendell. The ring will be safe there...

Any swearing or words you don't like, PM me and I'll censor them. Enjoy!

[Mastermue]

Hilarious!