You can see the Prelude and Scene 1 here
Scene 2:
<Inside Bilbo's house. Gandalf is sitting in front of the fire smoking a pipe. he is muttering something we can't hear. Frodo comes in and picks up the ring that Bilbo dropped in the previous scene>
Frodo: Gandalf? he's gone hasn't he?
<Gandalf turns round>
Gandalf: Hello Mr. Wibble-Wather, how are you. What!? You are a bit Wibbly, what doeth that mean. Thee the flying bum cheekth! Woo Woo! Look at that huge choo-choo. Wawbly! HRUMPH!
<He then falls into a deep sleep. Frodo checks a draw next to him>
Frodo: Ah, he's been at the "special weed." I'll have to go and make some cheese, we seem to be out. <he notices some crumbs on Gandalf's chin> ewww! That's Bilbo's cheese.
<Some hours later when Frodo has stocked up on cheese>
Gandalf: What!? What the hell happened. All I can wemember wath theeing a packet with "DO NOT THOMKE AT ALL COTHTTH" which I thmoked and now i wake up in thith th*t hole! B*rthtardth!
Frodo: Gandalf, could you keep down the language a bit please?
Gandalf: What! I'm not uthing bad [flipping] language! Now, what theemth to be the pwoblem. When Bilbo left Fwodo, why didn't you come thtwaight back here you twt?
Frodo: Gandalf, that's err... not important, now he's gone hasn't he?Gandalf: Yeth coth he hateth you Fwodo you fool! Now, he'th left you Bag End. <he holds out an envelope out for the ring. Frodo puts it in> along with all of hith poththeththionth. <he gives the envelope to Frodo> Why don't you put it away in that box over there?
<He does this and a big fake snake jumps out at him. He has a heart attack and dies. Gandalf is laughing alot>
<Some hours later...>
Gandalf: That one getth them evewytime. Oh dear, wiggormowtith hath thet in, oh well.
<He removes his huge rod from his robes and brings Frodo back to life>
Frodo: Oh, I feel all stiff and aneamic. Hey Gandalf, where are you going?Gandalf: I mustht look up something. it ith vewy important. Farewell Fwodo. I will wetuwn.
<He leaves>
Frodo: Hmmm, more cheese I think...
<Cut to Scene with Gandalf driving his car towards a large city. We then see him in the library with a stack of papers. He is looking through them. We can see "Ye Frenche Dictionary" on the top of the pile>
Gandalf: Heh, that'th a good one <He writes something in a book> Fwodo wont know what hit him when i thart inthulting him in Fwench, hey, what'th thith?
<A piece of paper falls out of the pile, he picks it up>
Gandalf: Here lieth the account of Itheildor, king of Gondor. The wing of power ith in my gwathp, it ith pwethiouth to me, tho pwethiouth that I called it 'Colin'. The markingth on the thide fade, a twuth which only fire can tell
<He looks at the 'camera'>
<At Frodo's house. Frodo opens the door. It is very dark and creepy for some reason. He walks in looking around as if he didn't leave it this way at all when he left. What an idiot. Suddenly, a hand comes out of nowhere and grabs his shoulder>
Gandalf: ArghFwodotherethahugemonthterabouttoeatyourheadoff!!
<Frodo collapses and dies>
Gandalf: Hah, you are tho gullible Fwo... th*t, not again!
<We once more see him remove his polished staff with a knob on the end and bring Frodo back to life>
Frodo: Ooh, I feel all aneamic
Gandalf: Ith it thecwet, ith it thafe?
Frodo: Is what secret, is what safe?
Gandalf: The wing of courthe!
Frodo: Look, Gandalf, I already told you you are the only one, that I will never...
Gandalf: <Looking shifty> Not that wing Fwodo, the wing in the envelope
Frodo: Oh! <He rummages around in the box> Here it is
<Gandalf takes it and throws it into the fire that failed to light up the room beforehand when Frodo first came in. It's magic y'see>
Frodo: What are you doing?
Gandalf: I'm taking it to Fwanthe tho it can thample the local ditheth and wite a wepowt for the Finanthial Timeth, what doeth it look like I'm doing?
<Gandalf removes it from the fire with a pair of tweezers>
Gandalf: Hold out your hand Fwodo, it ith quite cool.
<Frodo holds out his hand and Gandalf drops the ring onto Frodo's outstreched hand. We hear a sizzling noise and Frodo screams>
Frodo: Gandalf, you're such a t*t
Gandalf: <Giggling> Getth them evewy time, no, it'th thewiouthly cool now
<Frodo once again holds out his hand into which Gandalf again drops the ring. Again, there is a sizzling and Frodo screams>
Frodo: GANDALF!
Gandalf: <Giggling again> OK OK, it ith weally cool now
Frodo: I don't trust you, put it in your own hand
Gandalf: OK
<He puts the ring into his hand. We hear a sizzling and Gandalf's face is contorted with pain. After 5 seconds, he takes the ring away. Frodo nods, holds out his hand and gandalf drops the ring onto it. We hear a sizzling...>
<Some hours later>
<Frodo is a charred corpse in the middle of the floor. Gandalf is continually dropping the ring on him, retrieving it and repeating>
Gandalf: I weally thould thop now, oh, one more time I thuppothe. <We hear a sizzling> There!
<Gandalf proceeds to remove his huge staff with a polished knob on the end and bring Frodo back to life>
Frodo: Oh, I feel all aneamic and I smell of burnt flesh, anyway, you were saying Gandalf.
Gandalf: Yeth, hold out your hand Fwodo, it ith quite cool
<Frodo holds out his hand. Gandalf drops the ring into it>
Gandalf: Do you thee anything Fwodo?
Frodo: No <A look of relief appears on Gandalf's face> Wait... there are markings, markings on the ring. It's some form of elvish I can't read it, oh wait. It says "Gandalf is gay"
Gandalf: NO IT DOETHN'T! There are few who can wead it. It ith the language of Fwanthe which I will not utter here. In the common tongue, it weadth: "One wing to wule them all, one wing to wule them. One wing to wule them all and in the darknethth wule them!" Thauwon didn't have much of an imaginathion.
Frodo: But it does say "Gandalf is gay"
Gandalf: <Exasperated> No it doethn't
Frodo: But it does, just look
Gandalf: No it doethn't look it, oh yeth. I hate Thauwon, he'th a twt.
<Gandalf and Frodo are sitting in the kitchen. Gandalf is smoking weed, Frodo is drinking tea>
Gandalf: Thith ith the one wing. The detheiver, cweated by the Dark Lowd.
Frodo: Bilbo's ring... but he found it in Gollum's cave...
Gandalf: Yeth... but the wing betwayed Gollum... and wath picked up by the motht uuuuuunlikely cweatthure imaginable.
Frodo: Yes... Bilbo
Gandalf: No, an alien fwom Zorgabien
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: And then by Bilbo. Fwodo, they are one, the Dark Lord and the wing. The wing ith twying to get back to him. It wantth to be found.
<An annoying whispering noise comes from the Ring. Frodo and Gandalf look, scared, over to the Ring.>
Frodo (standing up): Okay, we put it away. We hide it somewhere. We never speak of it again. No one knows it's here. Do they?
<Silence. Frodo turns to see Gandalf standing behind him>
Frodo: Do they Gandalf?
Gandalf: No.
Frodo: Good.
Gandalf: I'm going to thee the leader of my order. Twutht me Fwodo, he will know what to do.
Frodo: It's a good thing he's not evil, Gandalf. Otherwise we would definitely fail in our quest to stop Sauron getting the Ring.
Gandalf: Yeth, but wetht athurred, he ith definitely not evil, and he will definitely help uth. In fact, I can't wait to go and thee him.
Frodo: Okay, do you want to take the Ring?
Gandalf: DON'T TEMPT ME FWODO
<Silence>
Frodo: What?
Gandalf: I would uthe the Wing to do good. But thwough me.. the Wing would weild a power to gweat to even imagine. Thort of like a giant nuclear explosion of evil.
Frodo: OK
Gandalf: You mutht meet me at the bwothel in Camembert called the pwanthing penith. We will go on fwom there.
Frodo: OK, I can go across country well enough in my Land Rover
Gandalf: My dear Fwodo, hobbitth weally are amazing cweatureth. You can learn all about them in a month, yet after a thouthand yearth, they can thill thuwpwithe you, ethpethially with the enormity of their <We hear a rustling outside> Get down Fwodo.
<Frodo gets down. Gandalf moves to the window and explodes everything behind it, then makes the explosion implode and then gets all the ashes and puts it into a mixing bowl. He mixes them together, puts them in a sandwich and eats it>
Gandalf: Th*t.
<He then proceeds to vomit. After that, he removes his absolutely huge rod after and brings Samwise Gamgee of all people back to life>
Gandalf: Confound it all Thamwithe Gamgee! Have you been Voyeuring?Sam: I ain't been euring no Voys Mr. Gandalf, I was just cutting the grass behind the window, if you get what I mean.
Gandalf: A little late for twimming the hedgeth don't you think?
Sam: I said grass you bearded twt, but don't do anything Mr. Gandalf sir, please. Don't turn me into anything... unnatural
Gandalf: No... I've got a better use for you
<They are trekking across fields. Sam has the horse, bags and Frodo on his back>
Gandalf: Keep up Tham!
<They come to a small clearing in the woods>
Gandalf: I mutht leave you here Fwodo. Wemember, the pwanthing penith in Camembert. But I mutht tell you thomething of gweat importanthe before I leave. It could thave your life.
Frodo: What's that?
<Gandalf leaves>
Frodo: Well Sam, you fat twt I guess we better get going
To be continued...
