You are probably looking here because of the strangeness of the title. Good. Basically, me and my friend cooked this up as a bit of small amusement. It has since grown and we are planning to make it into a flash animation. I will post the Prelude here and if enough people like it, the rest of it (but it is still being written!) Yes, Gandalf does have a speech impediment, so if you have one, sorry, I didn't mean to offend but you will have to read Gandalf's lines out loud if you have trouble understanding them written down. The original version contains alot of explicit material which I will try to cut for this forum but if I miss anything, tell me or a dev in this topic and I will rectify it.
@ Devs: If you see anything wrong with this, don't hesitate to change it.
Remember, people, it is a Parody!
Enjoy...
Scene 2
Scene 3
So then. Well well well. I certainly didn't expect to see you here of all people. You Decomposing Donkey Doo-doos probably worship Peter Jackson and J.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.Tolkien because they did the 'Lord of the Rings' films and books. Great, yeah, whatever because what you didn't know was that it was originally done by Hitler as the sequel to 'Mein Kampf' which translated, is 'The Hobbit' in English. We have just found this great manuscript. Although you may not recognise some parts of it (because J.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.Tolkien changed it just enough so that he didn't get his [bum] sued off) it is very similar to the book. Sadly, putting the book on would take too long and too much space up so we decided to put it in Film Script Form.Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you...The Lowd of the Wingth
Prelude:
Voiceover (Gandalf):dadsho dfjthdpo jothdfp fdoath fdothapa[ fuj9df9 cnkz\\ eofja0ww-fn doifoj20rd; edotiebathtardeoipje giopajjwajgimboidjgip wjpiafnwankerjjdopifjpthdp ifjidfjipwww.freewebs.com/lucidcreationxjfatho llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch. For none now live, who wemember it. Apart fwom me of courthe. And Elwond. And Fwodo and Tham. In fact, motht people who wemember it are thtill alive now.<Orchestrated music.
Title card: Lowd of the Wingth fades in then fades out>
Voiceover (Gandalf): It all began with the fowging of the gweat wingth. For no appawent weathon, lotth and lotth of wingth were made. infact, tho many were made that the pewthon who made them (Thauwon) had to give them away in what became known ath the gweat wethling matcheth of Middle-EarthTM. In fact, me and Elwond 'got it on' but he beat me (the b*thtard).
Voiceover (Elrond): Yes Mr. Gandalf. I kicked your *ss. In fact it was in that great bout that I gave you your speech impediment.
Voiceover (Gandalf): What!? I have no thpeech impediment you fool. Anyway. Thwee he gifted to the Elveth, the withetht and faiwetht beingth of Middle-EarthTM. Apart fwom me of courthe. Theven he gifted to the dwarf lowdth, gweat minerth and cwaftthmen who dig up big fiewy demons for me to kill. And nine, nine he gifted to the wathe of men, who above all elthe, dethire wingth. But they were all of them, dethieved, for in secwet, Thauwon forged a mathter wing, and into it, he poured hith malice, hith cwuelty and hith will to dominate all life. In fact, after he got wid of that lot, he wath quite an eathy going guy. But we thtill mutht dethtwoy him. One by one, the fwee nathionth of Middle-EarthTM fell.
<picture of big nations falling over>
Voiceover (Gandalf): But there were thome who wethithted. But they died tho it doethn't matter about them. But then thome more wethithted but Elwond wath with thethe and that made all the difference. With only 5000 men againtht 1,000,000 orcth, victowy was neawing thomehow. But the power of the wing, could not be undone because Thauwon had put devithes inthide the wing tho if thomeone thomehow cut hith finger off when he was weaching for them inthtead of thmathing the pewthon's head in with hith big mathe, he wouldn't explode. But thomeone cut off hith finger whiltht he wath weaching for them when he thould have thmathed the pewthon's head in with hith big mathe and exploded tho that wath the end of that.But the guy who killed him (Called Ithieldor in thome thircleth) took the wing. But the wing betwayed Ithieldor.
<Picture of the ring talking to someone in shadows. We can hear "Kill Isieldor," clearly>
<Picture of the ring falling into the bottom of the river>
Voiceover (Gandalf): Then Gollum got it. Then it wan away fwom him and wath picked up by the motht unlikly cweature imaginable. A thpace alien fwom the planet Zorgabien who died thuddenly after getting the wing. Then a hobbit picked it up called Bilbo Baggins. For there will be a time, when Hobbitth will thape Middle-EarthTM. But that ith waaay in the future.
<End of prelude>
Don't hesitate to comment!
Lowd of the Wingth
Moderators: TheElf, Moderators for English X Forum
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The_Reaper`
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Lowd of the Wingth
Last edited by The_Reaper` on Thu, 2. Feb 06, 17:18, edited 2 times in total.
See all of Lowd of the Wingth and more www.freewebs.com/lucidconception
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The_Reaper`
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But it hath nothing to do with the X - Univewthe. Off topic it ith
See all of Lowd of the Wingth and more www.freewebs.com/lucidconception
Creative and off-topic... which forum... a sticky problem!
Funny all the same. Should work well as a flash. I found the speech thing a bit hard to read (it was taking me ages to decipher... but maybe I'm just slow!) this did kinda kill the pace a little for me. But yeah, it should work great as a flash!
Hopefully you'll post a link when it's up!? (please!:))
Funny all the same. Should work well as a flash. I found the speech thing a bit hard to read (it was taking me ages to decipher... but maybe I'm just slow!) this did kinda kill the pace a little for me. But yeah, it should work great as a flash!
Hopefully you'll post a link when it's up!? (please!:))
Me knaws nat to saw 
http://forum.egosoft.com/viewtopic.php?t=183585 - X2 The Threat High Definition Mod - You know you wanna 
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The_Reaper`
- Posts: 362
- Joined: Thu, 19. Feb 04, 16:35
Seeing as a lot of people have read it and no complaints (!), I'll post scene 1. I think this is the Lowd of the Wingth's finest scene. At the moment I am doing Thom Bombadill (only those who have read the books will know who he is) and it really is quite annoying trying to get everything to rhyme but here's some to be going on with. It is a bit long but meh...
Scene 1:
<Soft and cuddly music playing in the background. People farming and doing farmy things>
<Frodo is sitting behind a tree with a copy of 'Loaded'. All of a sudden, the tranquility is disturbed by a chavvy booming sound. Frodo looks up and a grin appears on his face. He runs to the edge of a small hill. We see Gandalf with an old Vauxhall Nova with rap blaring out and 'Pussy Wagon' written on the side>
Gandalf: Yo Fwodo, check out mah pimped wide!
Frodo: Jesus Gandalf, you really...
<Frodo slips and falls in front of the car. Gandalf has a seizure and runs Frodo over again and again and again>
Gandalf: Oh th*t!
<He gets out and removes his large wizard staff from his robes. He then proceeds to bring Frodo's mangled corpse back to life in amazingly good condition>
Frodo: Oh! I feel all aneamic.
Gandalf: It'th ok Fwodo, hop into my wide and I'll take you where you want to go. We might even pick up thome Biatcheth on the way.
Frodo: OK Gandalf. Hey, got any 50 Cent?
Gandalf: Nah. He ith th*t. Thowwy Fwodo.
<Gandalf drives through the Hobbiton suburbs. There are lots of flats with broken windows, abandoned drugs syringes, prostitutes, bodies and any other things you may find around Liverpool and Manchester>
Frodo: So Gandalf, tell me what's been happening. Tell me all of it!Gandalf: Far too cuwiouth for a young hobbit. Well, what ith there to tell. The world hath gone on the patht dayth much the thame as it hath done, thcarthely aware of the exithtenth of hobbitth, apart fwom that nathty sewial killing in the market. That wath plathtered all over the newth. Did you catch the culpwit?
<Frodo looks shifty and shakes his head>
Gandalf: Well, yeth, the world ith scarthley aware of hobbitth, of which I am vewy thankful.
<We see a man in his front garden picking up some litter. He looks up at gandalf and his head suddenly explodes followed closely by his body. Cut back to Gandalf, He is holding his slightly throbbing rod towards where the man was standing and chuckling>
Frodo: You never grow up do you Gandalf?
Gandalf: No Fwodo, no I don't. Hey, any thign of thothe hood hobbitth? They are b*thtardth I tell you!
<At this, lots of children from the hood emerge from alleyways blocking the way. Gandalf performs a super-cool handbrake turn. We can hear the hood kids murmuring 'It's Gandalf,' and 'Lets put some caps in his *ss'. One kid steps forward>
Kid: Hey Gandalf, I thought, we told you to get the [flip] off our [flipping] patch and [flipping] never come back you stupid [flip].
Gandalf: Yeah, well, I'm back, what are you gonna do about it? Punk.
<At this all the kids heft baseballbats, knives and various other weapons>
Kid: Gandalf, you can kiss yo *ss goodb...
<Gandalf drives away, firing a cascade of fireworks into the children, blowing them apart in various hilarious ways. After the smoke clears, all that remain are limbs and blood. Lots of blood.>
Frodo: You never grow up do you Gandalf?
Gandalf: <Chortling> No Fwodo, no I don't. Well, you better get your b*tch *thth off becauthe your p*be feet are thtinking the whole plathe up. Bye Fwodo.
Frodo: Don't call me that! but I am glad you are back Gandalf, I can beat up the kids in da hood and know you are behind me
Gandalf: <Smiling> OK Fwodo. <Out of earshot of Frodo> Yeah wight. God I hate thith [flipping] pwathe.
<The Suburbs gradually become worse until he stops outside a tumbledown shack. On the gate is 'No entry. Condemmed site'. We can hear a woman moaning like she is having sex. Gandalf knocks on the door>
Bilbo: No THANK YOU! I don't want any tax-men, FBI contractors or tramps, now go away!
Gandalf: What about vewy thexy women?
<We hear running feet and the door opens>
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins
Bilbo: [Flip]
<The door slams>
Gandalf: You wealithe I am a pimp. I can get you weally thexy biatcheth. Jutht look at my wide
<The door opens again>
Bilbo: Really?Gandalf. Yeth, but only if you hug me and let me in
Bilbo: <Looking slightly apprehensive> OK. Gandalf <He hugs Gandalf>
<Gandalf has a seizure and crushes Bilbo so hard that his head explodes>
Gandalf: Oh th*t
<We once again see him remove his large Wizard rod from his robes and bring Bilbo back to life, head and all>
Bilbo: Oh, I feel all aneamic. Well Gandalf, come in, come in.
<We see interior of Bilbo's house. There are luxurious red sofas, priceless ornaments on shelves made of gold, and expensive paintings pinned to every wall>
Gandalf: Wow, you've weally gone wild with thith plathe haven't you Bilbo?
Bilbo: Yes, well. After I killed that dragon with my bare hands, I spent a load of the money on my comfy little home... right here.
Gandalf: Wight, tho why have you got a thign that thayth "No entwy, condemned thite" outthide?
<Silence. After a moment, it is broken by a female hobbit, half dressed, running out of Bilbo's room>
Female Hobbit: Sorry Bilbo honey, I've got to run. I've got an appointment, with Old Man Gamgee.
<Kisses Bilbo on the cheek. Then on the lips. Then they have a big huge kiss that goes on for ages and ages. Gandalf shuffles uncomfortably>
Gandalf: Errr. Bilbo. Shall I err... go into the living woom?
<Bilbo says something but it is inaudible due to the fact that he is attached to the female hobbit's face>
Gandalf: Err... I'll jutht... go into the.. er..
<He walks into the living room. He is joined moments later by a very pleased Bilbo>
Bilbo: So, what is it you want Gandalf?
Gandalf: Well- <he goes to sit on one of the sofas but lands on the floor due to the fact that the sofa is merely part of the wallpaper>
Gandalf: You didn't thpend any cash on thith plathe at all did you Bilbo?Bilbo: No... you're right. I spent all the tresure I earned on prostitutes... well, do you want some cheese?
Gandalf [brightning up]: Oh yeth pleathe! What type of cheethe ith it?Bilbo: Err... <he and Gandalf stare at each other for a moment. Then Gandalf looks miserably at Bilbo's face>
Gandalf: No... on thecond thoughtth, I don't want any cheethe at all. Why ith it you hobbitth alwayth have to extract your own cheeth fwom your-
<He is cut off by a loud knocking sound. Bilbo jumps with fright>
Bilbo [whispering angrily]: I'm not at home!
Gandalf: Don't be thilly, I'm thure itth jutht thome fwiendth
Bilbo: Shut up Gandalf! I don't have any- what are you doing? Come back in here!
<Gandalf answers the door. Two Jehova's Witness hobbits are standing there>
Jehova's Witness: Ahh, tall being, we come to bring terrible news of the end of days. The Lord, as we know-
<Gandalf, using complex magic, blows them into many pieces>
Bilbo: What did I tell you about answering the door?
Gandalf: The Battle for Bag end ith over, the battle for Middle-EarthTM ith about to begin. Jehova'th wroth will be tewwible, hith wetwibuthion thwift. But I will thtill kick hith *thth. Tho, do you mean to go thrwough with your plan?
Bilbo: Yes.Gandalf: Fwodo expectth thomething.
Bilbo: Of course he does. He's a Baggins. Not some retarded hobbit from Bag End.
Gandalf: You live at Bag End.
Bilbo: So?
Gandalf: You know, he ith vewy fond of you. Too fond if you athk me, ethpethially at that thwimming competithion, he went wight over the top there.
<Awkward silence>
Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him. But I know that, in his heart, he is still in love with the Shire.
Gandalf: Yeth, it would be cwuel to make him go awound the whole world jutht to do thomething thilly like go with you, or <Gandalf thinks for a moment for the stupidest thing he can think of Frodo doing> or throw a wing into a volcano.
<They laugh>
Bilbo: Yeah... I need to leave though. I want to see mountains again Gandalf. Mountains. Mountains of prostitutes. I hear they have those in Rivendell.
Gandalf: Yeth, well, you are pwetty old, but no one would have guethed. If any of thothe girlth you had found out you were one hundwed and eleven, you would be in deep twouble.
Bilbo: I know I don't look old, but I feel it. I feel like... butter spread over too much bread. And then that bread being thrown into a mineshaft and it exploding and blowing a big hole in the ground.
<Gandalf frowns>
I'm going to go away Gandalf. And I don't expect I'll be coming back. In fact, I don't mean to.
Gandalf: Thith night should be amathing Bilbo.
Bilbo: Yes Gandalf. Tonight should be a night to rememeber.
<We see Bilbo's front door and hear loud shouting>
Gandalf: Oh yeth Bilbo! Yeth, you are the BETHT!
Bilbo: Look out Gandalf. Here it comes! Here it comes!
Gandalf: BILBO! Oh my GOD!
<We see a ring of smoke float past the door. We then see Bilbo and Gandalf sitting on a table in Bilbo's front lawn, blowing smoke rings>
Bilbo: Not a bad ring if you ask me.
Gandalf: I bet I can put my boat thwough your wing hole!
<Gandalf blows a boat shaped smoke shape out of his mouth and it floats through the ring>
Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend. Tonight should be a night to remember.
<Bilbo's party. Fireworks are going off. There are a couple of hundred hobbits there, dancing and drinking. Frodo runs over to a hobbit, Samwise Gamgee, who is sitting nervously at a table trying to avoid an attractive female hobbit's eye.>
Frodo: Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a dance.
Sam: [Flip] off Mr Frodo. I told you how much I hate her.
Frodo: Why? She's dead fit. Bilbo had her you know.
Sam: Bilbo's had half the Shire.Frodo: Come on... are you gay or something?
<Silence>
Sam: I didn't say that.
Frodo: Well go on, dance!
<He tries to push Sam into her arms, but misses, and she lands in the arms of a big, bald, hobbit. The hobbit stares at Sam>
Sam [terrified]: Heh, erm, hey. Care for a dance?
<Ten minutes later, the hobbit is lying in a bloody mess on the floor>
Frodo: Well... that was unexpected.
<Bilbo is talking to some little kids>
Bilbo: And the Trolls were talking about how they were going to cook us. Whether they were going to boil us... cook us... or sit on us one by one and rape us into jelly.
<One of the kids gasps>
Bilbo: And then when day's first light appeared. BANG!
<The kids all jump in fright>
Bilbo: I kicked their *rses. One of them I got in a headlock, and... yeah, if I remember... yeah, I raped that one. Another one, got impaled by my one hundred inch-
<One by one, the kids are taken away by their worried parents>
<Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, two fairly young, naughty hobbits run into the tent where all the fireworks are kept. Peregrin takes one of the huge, dragon shaped ones>
Meriadoc (Merry): No, no Pippin, one of the little ones!
<"Pippin" takes a tiny little firework that only just fits into his palm. They run out of the tent.>
<They light the firework. They are inside another tent>
Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground.
Pippin: It is in the ground.
Merry: No, it's not, it's in my ear!
Pippin: Oh sorry.
<The firework takes off, blasting Merry across the tent. It flies about two metres in the air. All the hobbits scream in panic. The firework crackles out of existence>
Frodo <Running away from the firework like everyone else>: Look out Bilbo! A dragon!
Bilbo: A dragon! Nonsense, there's been no dragon in these parts for a thousand-
<A big paper maché dragon flies through the air and hits Bilbo>
<Everyone looks up at the skyline as the paper maché dragon flies off. Nothing happens. Everyone erupts in applause>
<Merry and Pippin sit up off the floor with black faces>
Pippin: Let's do it agai...
<Before he has a chance to finish his sentence, his and Merry's ears are grabbed by Gandalf. He then has a seizure and rips their heads apart>
Gandalf: Th*t!
<He removes his large rod from his robes and brings them back to life>
Gandalf: Mewiadoc Bwandybuck, and Pewwigwin Took, I might have known. You will have to wath the dithes for thith!
Merry: Oh, I feel all aneamic. But we haven't got any water Gandalf, the government cut it off after we took that high ranking Minister hostage
Gandalf: Oh yeth, what happened to him?
<They all stare at a big block of concrete in the canal>
Gandalf: Oh. Well, uthe your imaginathionth.
Merry: Gandalf, can you say "She sells sea shells on the seashore?"
Gandalf: The thellth thea thellth on the thea thore. Why?
Merry: <Holding a big bowl full of 'water' and wiping his face> No reason Gandalf, bye!
<At this point, Bilbo is climbing up a podium. There are shout of "W****r" and "Get that B*stard off">
Bilbo: <Trying to calm people down. Rotten vegetables are thrown. He is slightly slurring> OK, OK. Yes, today is my 111th birthday.
<There are cries of "Old pervert" and "You should be [flipping] dead">
Bilbo: Yes, I've known you all for 111 years which isn't enough time to know as you half as much as I'd like, and I like you less than half than you deserve.
<Everyone looks confused. One hobbit shouts out "Tw*t!" Everybody laughs>
Bilbo: Yes well, I have something to tell you. I... er <Aside> I've put this off for far too long <Back to the audience> I regret to announce this is the end. I'm going now. Goodbye <Everyone cheers as Bilbo puts on the Ring. Nothing happens, they all stare at him as he walks off. he is looking very suspicious. He walks past Gandalf>
Gandalf: They can thtill thee you Bilbo.
Bilbo: Shush! Don't give me away
<At this point, everyone's eyes are locked on Bilbo as he walks upto his shack. Just before he reaches it, he takes off the ring. Everyone turns away and continue drinking>
<Inside Bilbo's shack, he takes the ring, throws it up, catches it and puts in his pocket. He then starts to look for a skateboard to go away on>
Gandalf: I thuppose you think that wath vewy clever, don't you?
Bilbo: Oh come and Gandalf, it was just a bit of fun
Gandalf: There are many magic wingth in thith world and none of them are thuppothed to be uthed lightly. Tho, you are leaving then.
Bilbo: Yes, yes, the plans are all laid out. I'm leaving him Bag End.
Gandalf: And the wing?
Bilbo: Yes, he's having that but... <Aside> Yes why shouldn't I. It's mine. Why shouldn't I keep it. It's my precious
Gandalf: Pwethiouth, itth been called that before, and not by you
Bilbo: No, I called it precious you overgrown [person]
Gandalf: Yeth, pwethiouth, that's what I...
<Some hours later>
Bilbo: And then, he punched the horse Gandalf! THE HORSE!
<They laugh uproriously>
Gandalf: But where were we? Ah yeth. Your tuwn I believe.
Bilbo: Oh yes. <Angrily> What does it matter what I call it!? It's mine I can call it what I want
Gandalf: There's no need to...
Bilbo: I can call it Colin if I want to
Gandalf: Bilbo, calm down
<Bilbo is now on the floor screaming and shouting about what he wants to call his ring>
Gandalf: BILBO! I CAN'T DO THE WEALLY COOL THING YET THO PWEATHE THUT UP!
<Bilbo stops>
Gandalf: Now, there'th no need to get angwy
Bilbo: What if I'm angry, it's your fault
Gandalf: <Taken aback> Tho it didn't mean anything Bilbo. Nothing! I plathed my heawt in your handth and you jutht cwuthed it!
Bilbo: Yes Gandalf, it was the ring all along
Gandalf: <His head slowly grows into an abnormally large hamburger as he says this and all the lights dim> BILBO BAGGINTH. DO NOT TAKE ME FOR THOME CONJUWER OF CHEAP TWICKTH. I'M NOT TWYING TO WOB YOU! <Back to normal> I'm twying to wape you.
<Bilbo runs into Gandalf's arms. Gandalf grins like a shit-eater. He then has another seizure and explodes Bilbo's head>
Gandalf: Oh th*t! Not again
<He removes his slightly throbbing rod and brings Bilbo back to life>
Bilbo: Why am I always feeling aneamic? But anyway, I'm sorry Gandalf. I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry for everthing!
Gandalf: Dear Bilbo. You are the bwavetht hobbit I have known, and the betht in bed but you mutht go now.
Bilbo: <Removing a skateboard> Yes, the road is long. It's a long journey.
Gandalf: Bilbo, the wing ith thtill in your pocket
Bilbo: Oh yes, um...
<He removes the ring and puts it on the palm of his hand. He then slowly rotates it. By the time he has his palm upside down, the ring is still on it>
Bilbo: Gandalf, can you help, it seems to have some sort of glue on it.
<Gandalf looks shifty>
Bilbo: Gandalf, you could have waited until you were alone. Oh, there it goes
<The ring falls to the floor with a smacking sound>
You know what. I've thought up an ending for my book. "And he raped every single person alive."
Gandalf: I'm thure you will old fwiend. Now [flip] off.
<He pushes Bilbo out of the door and slams it. He then retires to the living room laughing but pauses in front of the ring. He bends down to pick it up but a BIG EYE screams at him. He jumps back and screams like a little girl with a big beard and runs away to hide behind the couch>
Sorry about the length. Please comment... No offense meant to anyone at all so sorry if you are.
More next week...
Scene 1:
<Soft and cuddly music playing in the background. People farming and doing farmy things>
<Frodo is sitting behind a tree with a copy of 'Loaded'. All of a sudden, the tranquility is disturbed by a chavvy booming sound. Frodo looks up and a grin appears on his face. He runs to the edge of a small hill. We see Gandalf with an old Vauxhall Nova with rap blaring out and 'Pussy Wagon' written on the side>
Gandalf: Yo Fwodo, check out mah pimped wide!
Frodo: Jesus Gandalf, you really...
<Frodo slips and falls in front of the car. Gandalf has a seizure and runs Frodo over again and again and again>
Gandalf: Oh th*t!
<He gets out and removes his large wizard staff from his robes. He then proceeds to bring Frodo's mangled corpse back to life in amazingly good condition>
Frodo: Oh! I feel all aneamic.
Gandalf: It'th ok Fwodo, hop into my wide and I'll take you where you want to go. We might even pick up thome Biatcheth on the way.
Frodo: OK Gandalf. Hey, got any 50 Cent?
Gandalf: Nah. He ith th*t. Thowwy Fwodo.
<Gandalf drives through the Hobbiton suburbs. There are lots of flats with broken windows, abandoned drugs syringes, prostitutes, bodies and any other things you may find around Liverpool and Manchester>
Frodo: So Gandalf, tell me what's been happening. Tell me all of it!Gandalf: Far too cuwiouth for a young hobbit. Well, what ith there to tell. The world hath gone on the patht dayth much the thame as it hath done, thcarthely aware of the exithtenth of hobbitth, apart fwom that nathty sewial killing in the market. That wath plathtered all over the newth. Did you catch the culpwit?
<Frodo looks shifty and shakes his head>
Gandalf: Well, yeth, the world ith scarthley aware of hobbitth, of which I am vewy thankful.
<We see a man in his front garden picking up some litter. He looks up at gandalf and his head suddenly explodes followed closely by his body. Cut back to Gandalf, He is holding his slightly throbbing rod towards where the man was standing and chuckling>
Frodo: You never grow up do you Gandalf?
Gandalf: No Fwodo, no I don't. Hey, any thign of thothe hood hobbitth? They are b*thtardth I tell you!
<At this, lots of children from the hood emerge from alleyways blocking the way. Gandalf performs a super-cool handbrake turn. We can hear the hood kids murmuring 'It's Gandalf,' and 'Lets put some caps in his *ss'. One kid steps forward>
Kid: Hey Gandalf, I thought, we told you to get the [flip] off our [flipping] patch and [flipping] never come back you stupid [flip].
Gandalf: Yeah, well, I'm back, what are you gonna do about it? Punk.
<At this all the kids heft baseballbats, knives and various other weapons>
Kid: Gandalf, you can kiss yo *ss goodb...
<Gandalf drives away, firing a cascade of fireworks into the children, blowing them apart in various hilarious ways. After the smoke clears, all that remain are limbs and blood. Lots of blood.>
Frodo: You never grow up do you Gandalf?
Gandalf: <Chortling> No Fwodo, no I don't. Well, you better get your b*tch *thth off becauthe your p*be feet are thtinking the whole plathe up. Bye Fwodo.
Frodo: Don't call me that! but I am glad you are back Gandalf, I can beat up the kids in da hood and know you are behind me
Gandalf: <Smiling> OK Fwodo. <Out of earshot of Frodo> Yeah wight. God I hate thith [flipping] pwathe.
<The Suburbs gradually become worse until he stops outside a tumbledown shack. On the gate is 'No entry. Condemmed site'. We can hear a woman moaning like she is having sex. Gandalf knocks on the door>
Bilbo: No THANK YOU! I don't want any tax-men, FBI contractors or tramps, now go away!
Gandalf: What about vewy thexy women?
<We hear running feet and the door opens>
Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins
Bilbo: [Flip]
<The door slams>
Gandalf: You wealithe I am a pimp. I can get you weally thexy biatcheth. Jutht look at my wide
<The door opens again>
Bilbo: Really?Gandalf. Yeth, but only if you hug me and let me in
Bilbo: <Looking slightly apprehensive> OK. Gandalf <He hugs Gandalf>
<Gandalf has a seizure and crushes Bilbo so hard that his head explodes>
Gandalf: Oh th*t
<We once again see him remove his large Wizard rod from his robes and bring Bilbo back to life, head and all>
Bilbo: Oh, I feel all aneamic. Well Gandalf, come in, come in.
<We see interior of Bilbo's house. There are luxurious red sofas, priceless ornaments on shelves made of gold, and expensive paintings pinned to every wall>
Gandalf: Wow, you've weally gone wild with thith plathe haven't you Bilbo?
Bilbo: Yes, well. After I killed that dragon with my bare hands, I spent a load of the money on my comfy little home... right here.
Gandalf: Wight, tho why have you got a thign that thayth "No entwy, condemned thite" outthide?
<Silence. After a moment, it is broken by a female hobbit, half dressed, running out of Bilbo's room>
Female Hobbit: Sorry Bilbo honey, I've got to run. I've got an appointment, with Old Man Gamgee.
<Kisses Bilbo on the cheek. Then on the lips. Then they have a big huge kiss that goes on for ages and ages. Gandalf shuffles uncomfortably>
Gandalf: Errr. Bilbo. Shall I err... go into the living woom?
<Bilbo says something but it is inaudible due to the fact that he is attached to the female hobbit's face>
Gandalf: Err... I'll jutht... go into the.. er..
<He walks into the living room. He is joined moments later by a very pleased Bilbo>
Bilbo: So, what is it you want Gandalf?
Gandalf: Well- <he goes to sit on one of the sofas but lands on the floor due to the fact that the sofa is merely part of the wallpaper>
Gandalf: You didn't thpend any cash on thith plathe at all did you Bilbo?Bilbo: No... you're right. I spent all the tresure I earned on prostitutes... well, do you want some cheese?
Gandalf [brightning up]: Oh yeth pleathe! What type of cheethe ith it?Bilbo: Err... <he and Gandalf stare at each other for a moment. Then Gandalf looks miserably at Bilbo's face>
Gandalf: No... on thecond thoughtth, I don't want any cheethe at all. Why ith it you hobbitth alwayth have to extract your own cheeth fwom your-
<He is cut off by a loud knocking sound. Bilbo jumps with fright>
Bilbo [whispering angrily]: I'm not at home!
Gandalf: Don't be thilly, I'm thure itth jutht thome fwiendth
Bilbo: Shut up Gandalf! I don't have any- what are you doing? Come back in here!
<Gandalf answers the door. Two Jehova's Witness hobbits are standing there>
Jehova's Witness: Ahh, tall being, we come to bring terrible news of the end of days. The Lord, as we know-
<Gandalf, using complex magic, blows them into many pieces>
Bilbo: What did I tell you about answering the door?
Gandalf: The Battle for Bag end ith over, the battle for Middle-EarthTM ith about to begin. Jehova'th wroth will be tewwible, hith wetwibuthion thwift. But I will thtill kick hith *thth. Tho, do you mean to go thrwough with your plan?
Bilbo: Yes.Gandalf: Fwodo expectth thomething.
Bilbo: Of course he does. He's a Baggins. Not some retarded hobbit from Bag End.
Gandalf: You live at Bag End.
Bilbo: So?
Gandalf: You know, he ith vewy fond of you. Too fond if you athk me, ethpethially at that thwimming competithion, he went wight over the top there.
<Awkward silence>
Bilbo: I know. He'd probably come with me if I asked him. But I know that, in his heart, he is still in love with the Shire.
Gandalf: Yeth, it would be cwuel to make him go awound the whole world jutht to do thomething thilly like go with you, or <Gandalf thinks for a moment for the stupidest thing he can think of Frodo doing> or throw a wing into a volcano.
<They laugh>
Bilbo: Yeah... I need to leave though. I want to see mountains again Gandalf. Mountains. Mountains of prostitutes. I hear they have those in Rivendell.
Gandalf: Yeth, well, you are pwetty old, but no one would have guethed. If any of thothe girlth you had found out you were one hundwed and eleven, you would be in deep twouble.
Bilbo: I know I don't look old, but I feel it. I feel like... butter spread over too much bread. And then that bread being thrown into a mineshaft and it exploding and blowing a big hole in the ground.
<Gandalf frowns>
I'm going to go away Gandalf. And I don't expect I'll be coming back. In fact, I don't mean to.
Gandalf: Thith night should be amathing Bilbo.
Bilbo: Yes Gandalf. Tonight should be a night to rememeber.
<We see Bilbo's front door and hear loud shouting>
Gandalf: Oh yeth Bilbo! Yeth, you are the BETHT!
Bilbo: Look out Gandalf. Here it comes! Here it comes!
Gandalf: BILBO! Oh my GOD!
<We see a ring of smoke float past the door. We then see Bilbo and Gandalf sitting on a table in Bilbo's front lawn, blowing smoke rings>
Bilbo: Not a bad ring if you ask me.
Gandalf: I bet I can put my boat thwough your wing hole!
<Gandalf blows a boat shaped smoke shape out of his mouth and it floats through the ring>
Bilbo: Gandalf, my old friend. Tonight should be a night to remember.
<Bilbo's party. Fireworks are going off. There are a couple of hundred hobbits there, dancing and drinking. Frodo runs over to a hobbit, Samwise Gamgee, who is sitting nervously at a table trying to avoid an attractive female hobbit's eye.>
Frodo: Go on Sam, ask Rosie for a dance.
Sam: [Flip] off Mr Frodo. I told you how much I hate her.
Frodo: Why? She's dead fit. Bilbo had her you know.
Sam: Bilbo's had half the Shire.Frodo: Come on... are you gay or something?
<Silence>
Sam: I didn't say that.
Frodo: Well go on, dance!
<He tries to push Sam into her arms, but misses, and she lands in the arms of a big, bald, hobbit. The hobbit stares at Sam>
Sam [terrified]: Heh, erm, hey. Care for a dance?
<Ten minutes later, the hobbit is lying in a bloody mess on the floor>
Frodo: Well... that was unexpected.
<Bilbo is talking to some little kids>
Bilbo: And the Trolls were talking about how they were going to cook us. Whether they were going to boil us... cook us... or sit on us one by one and rape us into jelly.
<One of the kids gasps>
Bilbo: And then when day's first light appeared. BANG!
<The kids all jump in fright>
Bilbo: I kicked their *rses. One of them I got in a headlock, and... yeah, if I remember... yeah, I raped that one. Another one, got impaled by my one hundred inch-
<One by one, the kids are taken away by their worried parents>
<Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, two fairly young, naughty hobbits run into the tent where all the fireworks are kept. Peregrin takes one of the huge, dragon shaped ones>
Meriadoc (Merry): No, no Pippin, one of the little ones!
<"Pippin" takes a tiny little firework that only just fits into his palm. They run out of the tent.>
<They light the firework. They are inside another tent>
Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground.
Pippin: It is in the ground.
Merry: No, it's not, it's in my ear!
Pippin: Oh sorry.
<The firework takes off, blasting Merry across the tent. It flies about two metres in the air. All the hobbits scream in panic. The firework crackles out of existence>
Frodo <Running away from the firework like everyone else>: Look out Bilbo! A dragon!
Bilbo: A dragon! Nonsense, there's been no dragon in these parts for a thousand-
<A big paper maché dragon flies through the air and hits Bilbo>
<Everyone looks up at the skyline as the paper maché dragon flies off. Nothing happens. Everyone erupts in applause>
<Merry and Pippin sit up off the floor with black faces>
Pippin: Let's do it agai...
<Before he has a chance to finish his sentence, his and Merry's ears are grabbed by Gandalf. He then has a seizure and rips their heads apart>
Gandalf: Th*t!
<He removes his large rod from his robes and brings them back to life>
Gandalf: Mewiadoc Bwandybuck, and Pewwigwin Took, I might have known. You will have to wath the dithes for thith!
Merry: Oh, I feel all aneamic. But we haven't got any water Gandalf, the government cut it off after we took that high ranking Minister hostage
Gandalf: Oh yeth, what happened to him?
<They all stare at a big block of concrete in the canal>
Gandalf: Oh. Well, uthe your imaginathionth.
Merry: Gandalf, can you say "She sells sea shells on the seashore?"
Gandalf: The thellth thea thellth on the thea thore. Why?
Merry: <Holding a big bowl full of 'water' and wiping his face> No reason Gandalf, bye!
<At this point, Bilbo is climbing up a podium. There are shout of "W****r" and "Get that B*stard off">
Bilbo: <Trying to calm people down. Rotten vegetables are thrown. He is slightly slurring> OK, OK. Yes, today is my 111th birthday.
<There are cries of "Old pervert" and "You should be [flipping] dead">
Bilbo: Yes, I've known you all for 111 years which isn't enough time to know as you half as much as I'd like, and I like you less than half than you deserve.
<Everyone looks confused. One hobbit shouts out "Tw*t!" Everybody laughs>
Bilbo: Yes well, I have something to tell you. I... er <Aside> I've put this off for far too long <Back to the audience> I regret to announce this is the end. I'm going now. Goodbye <Everyone cheers as Bilbo puts on the Ring. Nothing happens, they all stare at him as he walks off. he is looking very suspicious. He walks past Gandalf>
Gandalf: They can thtill thee you Bilbo.
Bilbo: Shush! Don't give me away
<At this point, everyone's eyes are locked on Bilbo as he walks upto his shack. Just before he reaches it, he takes off the ring. Everyone turns away and continue drinking>
<Inside Bilbo's shack, he takes the ring, throws it up, catches it and puts in his pocket. He then starts to look for a skateboard to go away on>
Gandalf: I thuppose you think that wath vewy clever, don't you?
Bilbo: Oh come and Gandalf, it was just a bit of fun
Gandalf: There are many magic wingth in thith world and none of them are thuppothed to be uthed lightly. Tho, you are leaving then.
Bilbo: Yes, yes, the plans are all laid out. I'm leaving him Bag End.
Gandalf: And the wing?
Bilbo: Yes, he's having that but... <Aside> Yes why shouldn't I. It's mine. Why shouldn't I keep it. It's my precious
Gandalf: Pwethiouth, itth been called that before, and not by you
Bilbo: No, I called it precious you overgrown [person]
Gandalf: Yeth, pwethiouth, that's what I...
<Some hours later>
Bilbo: And then, he punched the horse Gandalf! THE HORSE!
<They laugh uproriously>
Gandalf: But where were we? Ah yeth. Your tuwn I believe.
Bilbo: Oh yes. <Angrily> What does it matter what I call it!? It's mine I can call it what I want
Gandalf: There's no need to...
Bilbo: I can call it Colin if I want to
Gandalf: Bilbo, calm down
<Bilbo is now on the floor screaming and shouting about what he wants to call his ring>
Gandalf: BILBO! I CAN'T DO THE WEALLY COOL THING YET THO PWEATHE THUT UP!
<Bilbo stops>
Gandalf: Now, there'th no need to get angwy
Bilbo: What if I'm angry, it's your fault
Gandalf: <Taken aback> Tho it didn't mean anything Bilbo. Nothing! I plathed my heawt in your handth and you jutht cwuthed it!
Bilbo: Yes Gandalf, it was the ring all along
Gandalf: <His head slowly grows into an abnormally large hamburger as he says this and all the lights dim> BILBO BAGGINTH. DO NOT TAKE ME FOR THOME CONJUWER OF CHEAP TWICKTH. I'M NOT TWYING TO WOB YOU! <Back to normal> I'm twying to wape you.
<Bilbo runs into Gandalf's arms. Gandalf grins like a shit-eater. He then has another seizure and explodes Bilbo's head>
Gandalf: Oh th*t! Not again
<He removes his slightly throbbing rod and brings Bilbo back to life>
Bilbo: Why am I always feeling aneamic? But anyway, I'm sorry Gandalf. I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry for everthing!
Gandalf: Dear Bilbo. You are the bwavetht hobbit I have known, and the betht in bed but you mutht go now.
Bilbo: <Removing a skateboard> Yes, the road is long. It's a long journey.
Gandalf: Bilbo, the wing ith thtill in your pocket
Bilbo: Oh yes, um...
<He removes the ring and puts it on the palm of his hand. He then slowly rotates it. By the time he has his palm upside down, the ring is still on it>
Bilbo: Gandalf, can you help, it seems to have some sort of glue on it.
<Gandalf looks shifty>
Bilbo: Gandalf, you could have waited until you were alone. Oh, there it goes
<The ring falls to the floor with a smacking sound>
You know what. I've thought up an ending for my book. "And he raped every single person alive."
Gandalf: I'm thure you will old fwiend. Now [flip] off.
<He pushes Bilbo out of the door and slams it. He then retires to the living room laughing but pauses in front of the ring. He bends down to pick it up but a BIG EYE screams at him. He jumps back and screams like a little girl with a big beard and runs away to hide behind the couch>
Sorry about the length. Please comment... No offense meant to anyone at all so sorry if you are.
More next week...
Last edited by The_Reaper` on Sat, 17. Dec 05, 19:41, edited 1 time in total.
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The_Reaper`
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